So after writing a million drafts ( obviously I am exaggerating ) I have finally decided to start publishing some of it. So I have had a rebirth last year. Why? Because I gave birth to my son who in turn gave birth to the mother in me. Sounds clichéd? But obviously true. I am a new person; it’s like I have undergone a metamorphosis!
Then in December my cousin’s daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and it all started with me congratulating her on whatsapp ( God bless the makers of this app). She started asking me stuff about baby and since it was all fresh in my head I helped, albeit only by texting her. Being the loquacious person that I am, I would tell her that so and so could happen and bang, baby would prove me right. That’s when my niece told me that I should write about this baby stuff too. Initially when Abir was born I had created another blog where I wanted to record only Abir’s stuff but little did I know that Abir would consume all 27 hours out of my 24 hours day!! So that didn’t work. I would write in spurts and ended up saving drafts as I couldn’t find time to publish it.
Then last week my bffs (Pallavi and Smi) had their baby blogs out and that pushed me to start publishing.
I will start with what I had recorded according to the months. This post will be about the first month!
June 8 onwards
Random thoughts are running through my head. If someone would listen or tap into my thoughts they would be horrified.
Abir is in my arms. He is the tiniest person I have ever seen. No scratch that . The tiniest person I have held. Like a real person. My flesh my blood. I am experiencing a melange of emotions in me right now. Happiness at having Abir. Anger at my husband who does not have to sit half naked throughout the day trying to coax the little one to feed. Joy of being a mother. Irritated as I haven’t
slept like a log at all since the last few nights. Pain as I had an episiotomy and third degree tear bringing this “little one” in the world. Hunger. Helplessness as I am feeling totally lost. My whole life has come to this big little stop. What am I going to do with this baby? Will I be able to raise him well? How did my dad raise us, without our mother around? What if I die before Abir is old enough to take care of himself! Questions as weird as these are haunting me and my head is throbbing thanks to it.
At times in the night I check to see if Abir is breathing. It’s peak winter so I am dreading if I have dressed him enough so that he doesn’t feel the biting cold. He poos almost every two hours exactly after his feed which lasts for about an hour. The poo is still blackish. Satyu refuses to clean the poo’d diaper; only obliging me when it’s a wet one( which is like almost never)! He says he is afraid he might not do it well enough ( that’s my cue to roll my eyes)!
Neem is with us, thankfully or I would be one among those few women who go through divorce proceedings the same month their child is born. Bathing Abir is a task as we live in an apartment which doesn’t have a tub. I want to bathe him in the traditional indian manner but the bathroom doesn’t have a drainage hole. It has a shower cubicle which barely fits us. Neem comes up with this brilliant idea of bathing him in the sink ( she has her iPhone growing out of her palm and had seen a video about the same). It’s not ideal but serves the purpose.
There is no set sleeping pattern with Abir.
I am swamped with emails from all the various baby sites I had subscribed to. My honest opinion is to not do that at all. There’s so much contradictory stuff out there. EBF, TMI, STTN are some of the terms I learnt during this time. If Abir so much so as whimpersI am scared. I whip out my phone and start looking it up. Since the last week the stuff that I have read, I believe I can easily appear for theoretical medical school tests. ( now in hindsight, googling is the worst thing to do, really!!!)
I have imagined Abir to have all possible maladies, trying to deduce from his “symptoms”! Baby acne, such a sweet sounding little irritating piece of $&;@#. Abir seems to have it all the time. Satyu and I have a trying time keeping track of his new “lil shiny breakout “! Moreover, Satyu is a paranoid father. Like seriously!! Half the time he is making me want to hit his head with a steel strainer (don’t ask me why the choice of utensil)!
The above was written as a draft, and now adding some more verbosity to this post.
It’s a baby, a little person, however please note that it cannot connive. At least not yet. Just go with the flow. If breast feeding just ensure that baby feeds on both sides. Let baby let go of the boob, don’t try and time the feed. Some babies take more time to suckle than the rest. Try and relax ( I know it’s hard but still it’s worth trying)!
Today your baby will treat you like a food dispenser and a cleaner and sleep inducer all rolled in one but wait a while before that little cherub looks upto you with a puppy dog face. It’s worth waiting and taking all $&;@% now.
Don’t feel lost, “it” happens to all babies. You are not alone. If frustrated like really hard, just leave the baby in a safe place and take a walk. At least go away from the baby for at least two minutes.
Babies poop, pee, eat, sleep, stay awake at all the wrong times. But still it only lasts a few months. Don’t lose heart. Everybody goes harping about sleep to you ( from pregnancy till baby arrives) as if they have lived through it. But really, you get used to the sleeping patterns. I know! It’s hard to fall asleep when baby is sleeping contrary to what people have been advising you ( including the husband) but at least lie down prone to rest the back. Take warm showers with your favorite liquid body wash. It helps.
Drink plenty of fluids, I would strongly advise water. Low cal and cheap option.
I figured as long as I knew the reason as to why something is happening I was alright otherwise I would panic. For instance when I read that babies make weird faces when they poop because they don’t know what’s happening to them ( when the anal muscles contracts) I was relieved. Until then I believed Abir was constipated and always in pain when pooping.
I am noting this for some of my friends who will be mothers soon and also for myself ( you never know!!!). 🙂
Please don’t hesitate to ask for help. It’s okay to.
It’s okay to lose your head, it’s okay to feel like “have I given birth to this little
It’s okay to feel regretful. It’s okay to want to go out. Just go with the flow. We are so keyed in to the babies, these sort of feelings are flushed away soon enough. I mean the whole world stops and it’s just the baby and the mother. It’s a massive moment or rather life. Nothing will be the same ever. It’s momentous. But once you bite it, motherhood is awesome.
Just remember the saying, ” the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.”